In just 3 short days my husband and I will no longer be on a waiting list to adopt. Our agency won’t be doing adoption placements anymore. To say I am crushed is an understatement. We have invested so much time, emotion, money, and HOPE into receiving another child through our current agency. Some people tell us to move to another agency- and while that is the most logical choice, there is an invisible yet very real layer of resistance made up of fear, hurt, and rejection. Unless you have been on a waiting list for 7 years, that layer is something that can’t really be explained or understood.
A chapter in my family’s life will soon be closing. The new year is coming in with a bang as I learn of new challenges our little family will have to face. And as I am trying to cope with the unknown, another very real door has opened and is trying to entice me in. It is the door of fear. I can not go through this door! I will not go through this door. Yoda’s famous quote from Star Wars is so applicable: “Fear is the path to the dark side.” I don’t want to become a bitter old lady but I know that fear is a step in that direction.
So I am desperately trying to figure out what will happen next for my little family. Will we push forward with another adoption agency? Will we donate our gazillion boxes of baby clothes/toys/books to charity? Or does the Lord have something entirely different in store for our family? I really don’t know. But I do know that it is going to take a lot of work to find and open the right door. I am reminded of a scripture in the new testament: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” I just pray for the strength to push forward!